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Excerpts from “Disorder in the Court” February 2, 2007

Posted by atharkhan in : Humor , 2comments

A friend forwarded this to me:

These are ATTORNEY questions taken from a book called Disorder in the American Courts. These are real people answers said in court, word for word, taken down by court recorders and now published by the people who experienced the torment of staying calm while they were recording these actual sentences.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
______ _______________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh….
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
___________________________________ _________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Whaaaaaaaaaaa???? September 19, 2006

Posted by atharkhan in : Humor , add a comment

You know the high pitched “Whaaaaa?” sound? Yeah.. you know it. I think it is a bit over-used. Sure it has it’s place in the world…. like when you say something so ludicrous that even YOU are embarassed to say it. “Umm.. boss, my status report is late because I was visiting the cancer survivor ward at the children’s hospital and someone spilled acid over a kid and I used it to quickly wipe it off. So really… I am somewhat of a hero.” Whaaaa????

But short of something that stupid, I really think people should avoid using it. Well… maybe if there are no segways in your slippery slope argument. “Well.. he used to put ketchup on pizza… and thats how John Walker Lindt ended up in Al-Qaeda.” Whhaaaaa????

Speaking of Segways — with a capital S — you know, the two wheel upright scooters fueled only by buyer’s remorse. Yeah. Those. How can I regret getting one so much and still want the newer model?? Whaaaaaa?? 

Anyway. It’s late and I guess that’s enough unloading for one day. If they read this far, I am guessing that just about every prospective employer who came here (based on the URL I plaster on every piece of communication) has pretty much decided I am insane and run my resume through the shredder. 

I am not insane really. I am not insane really. I like to say some things twice twice for effect effect. I think that makes it sound important. For example, he punched me first mom. He punched me first. Doesn’t that sound more convincing? Who says a trial lawyer is made in a day? It takes years of torturing your brother and then lying about it to your mom… twice. 

Okay. That’s it. I am out. 

Google Romance April 1, 2006

Posted by atharkhan in : Humor, Personal, Tech , add a comment

Okay. I admit it. Google got me with their April Fool’s Joke at http://www.google.com/romance/

Nicely done guys :-)